Family, infertility, miscarriage, mother

Feeling Alone

In my first post, I mentioned that for most of my miscarriages, no one but God and my husband knew.  Even though I know that God gives comfort to all, there were many times when I felt very alone.

As a woman, I feel like we are often bombarded by our own thoughts of worthlessness.  Thoughts of guilt.  Thoughts of being a disappointment to God, to our husbands, to our families.  Those thoughts are not the thoughts God wants us to have.  When we find ourselves listening to negative thoughts, we must make a conscious effort to stop them.

There is a great quote by C.S. Lewis: “[God] has infinite attention to spare for each one of us. He does not have to deal with us in the mass. You are as much alone with Him as if you were the only being He had ever created. ” (Mere Christianity [1943], 131).  That is a POWERFUL thought.  But do we let ourselves be comforted by this?

There was one particular miscarriage that brought me a lot of guilt.  My fourth child, Taylor, had just turned one.  And my kids have SEVERE reflux.  I mean vomiting back up so much fluid/milk you need 4 kitchen hand towels per feeding.  Usually my kids start to grow out of it around age one.  But for Taylor, his changed from projectile vomiting to refluxing at night in his sleep.  It happened usually once per night.  I would wake up to hearing him choking.  It scared me so much. I hardly slept because I was afraid I would not hear him choking and he would stop breathing.

It was at this time I had a dream.  It was incredibly vivid.  When I awoke, I had seen a beautiful little girl.  I felt her spirit.  I knew her.  If I saw her in a crowd, I could have picked her out as my daughter.  She wanted to come to our family.  But I was feeling so overwhelmed with Taylor at the time, that when I awoke, I just prayed to God, please I just can’t do it right now.  This was January of 2010.  I kept having this very strong sense that she really wanted to come now, but I kept pushing those feelings away.  I even had my two oldest kids come to me on separate days and ask me when their baby sister was coming.  Fast forward a few months.  My younger sister and I were visiting another sister in L.A. for the weekend.  We had such a great time!  It was a much needed break for me.  But I began having very bad cramping , which continued to happen for the next few months.

Then finally, one day in June, I passed an egg sack.  This was not the first time this had happened, so I knew this baby made it to about 8 weeks.  But I was devastated again.  GUILT began to sweep over me.  Why hadn’t I ever taken a pregnancy test?  If I just had listened to the prompting that a baby was coming, then I could have taken my medicine? What if? What if?  I had a thousand reasons why I thought somehow I could’ve changed the outcome.

But that is not true.  My medicine didn’t always help save my babies.  But I know where my babies are-they are watching over our family. It probably took me at least a year to forgive myself for something I couldn’t control.  Why is it so hard to do this?

I know one thing that helps me when I’m wrapped up in my own sorrows.  That is service.  Putting my focus to the needs of others.  I’m so blessed to serve in my church primary(helping the younger children) right now.  Each week we repeat these words:

“I am a child of God.  I know Heavenly Father loves me, and I love Him.  I can pray to Heavenly Father anytime, anywhere.  I am trying to remember and follow Jesus Christ.”

As I continued to pray and ask my Heavenly Father to help take away the guilt I felt, it eventually happened.  But it took a long time for me to finally forgive myself.  So again this waiting thing is part of our struggles.  Being diligent in our efforts does pay off.  We can feel the peace that we seek.  Sometimes, that peace has come almost immediately after I have lost a baby.  And sometimes, it hasn’t.  But it always comes.  So just like Dori would say in the movie Nemo “just keep swimming, just keep swimming“- we need to” just keep praying”.  Don’t give up.  Peace will come.  HOPE will find it’s way back into your heart. HUGS!

Life is Good.  Share the Good.

1 thought on “Feeling Alone”

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