With technology the way it is now, when you get an ultrasound in a pregnancy they can tell you exactly how many weeks and days old your baby is. It’s simply amazing to me! When I felt so strongly that we needed to have a sixth child and that she would be a girl, my odds of having a successful pregnancy at that time were 38%. Those aren’t good odds.
So, with a lot of faith and what courage I could gather, we began another journey of having a baby. Within a few months, I was pregnant. I was so happy! I get to have a six week check-up usually because my odds are so low. On September 29, 2015 I was waiting in the foyer of my doctor’s office for my ultrasound, I began to feel A LOT of back pain. Of course the ultrasound lady was running behind when I had a full bladder, and now back pain. The pain became so intense that I finally asked the receptionist if I could please release a little from my bladder. That helped a tiny bit for a few minutes. But about 10 minutes after that, I knew something was wrong. I told the receptionist, and they got me back to lay on a table. That didn’t even last more than five minutes, and I was hollering for a nurse to help me because I was in so much pain. So, luckily by then the ultrasound room was ready. They rushed me in and tried to find the baby. No baby. Because of my pain, they thought maybe I was having an ectopic pregnancy. They had me go to the bathroom and empty more of my bladder. Then they looked again. They found the baby, but no heart beat. I was so sad, and I was in so much pain. I just didn’t know what was going on. The nurse suspected a kidney stone and told me to head down to the emergency room. I could barely walk, but I said I could get there myself.
I remember calling my husband in tears. No baby, heading to ER. Can you drop off our toddler somewhere and come? He assured me he would get there soon. So then I called my dad. My dad is so amazing. I was bawling through the whole converation, and the only thing he could figure out is that I was going to a certain hospital’s ER.
So I got to the ER and I couldn’t even tell the receptionist what was wrong. How do you say I have just found out I lost my baby and my back hurts so bad I can’t think straight. I finally got my words out, and took a seat to wait. My dad got there before my husband. I felt instantly that I would be ok as soon as I saw him. I had to go to the bathroom again, and I’m pretty sure my kidney stone came out then because my pain went to almost zero a little while after. My husband, Mark, got there and shortly after, I was called back. The ultrasound found nothing. So then the doctor just tells you what you already know. You must have passed it already because there was blood in your urine, and that you had a missed abortion. Why do they call it that? It breaks my heart every time they say it.
So we left, broken-hearted. We had many friends and neighbors help with our kids. How people do these things alone I do not know. I am eternally grateful for my neighbors who watched my kids and fed them. I cried a lot. But I also knew that I felt the spirit of that sweet baby. I also knew that I had angels with me that day.
After this experience of not feeling like my doctor’s office had time to take care of my needs, I began to look for another doctor. I wanted one with a small office and who wouldn’t think I was crazy to try again. So we met with a new doctor the following spring, and he was so positive and comforting to me.
I got pregnant again in July 2016. I felt so happy. My blood count was doubling, barely, but I was hopeful that everything was going to be okay. This new doctor didn’t do early ultrasounds typically, so I had my appointment scheduled for 11 weeks. But once again, there was no heartbeat.
My husband and I just cried. My sweet new doctor gave me the only picture I have of one of my lost babies. I treasure this picture. This baby made it eight weeks and five days.
Because of how much tissue there would be at 11 weeks, I needed a D&C. This was August 17th, and school was starting the next week. All I could think was I wouldn’t get to walk my kids to school on their first day of school. We decided to have it done the next morning. That way, I would be recovered a little bit when school started.
Telling our kids was one of the hardest things I have ever done. For this miscarriage, all of our five kids could understand what it meant that mommy’s baby went back to heaven. But you know what? It brought our family closer together. It is one of the coolest things to listen to your kids pray for their baby in heaven, and pray for Heavenly Father to send mommy another baby. The picture on the top of my home page on this blog is taken shortly after this miscarriage. We sent balloons up to our 10 babies in heaven.
Neighbors and family rallied again, and everything went so smoothly. And I felt a strength that everything would be okay. When we had my follow-up appointment with my doctor, he asked if I wanted to try again. Now my odds were 33%, but I just knew I had to try one more time. I just couldn’t give up when I had had such a strong impression that a little girl needed to come to our family. Fast forward to January 2017, and I’m expecting again.
But on week 8 day 5 of this pregnancy, I was in my bathroom getting ready, and just was overcome with emotion. I just pleaded to my Heavenly Father that this baby would make it. That everything would be okay and I would get to hold another baby in my arms. I remember saying that I knew He could do the most amazing miracles, and I needed a miracle now. I remember feeling so strongly that Heavenly Father was aware of me, of my circumstances, of everything I had been through to get to this point in my child-bearing. I felt like He was telling me that I needed to increase my faith and trust in Him. He had a plan, and I needed to just keep on going every day and not worry. Easier said than done. But I did feel better after this.
So of course all went well with that pregnancy, and we have our little Lillian Belle here today. She is almost 9 months old, and seriously is such a light in our family. She really has brought us closer together as a family.
When families pray together for a goal, good things happen. I am forever grateful for the strengthening power of the atonement of Jesus Christ, for angels seen and unseen, and for a loving Heavenly Father who hears our prayers.
I hope this day that you will be encouraged to keep trying. To have a little more faith through whatever challenge is before you right now.
Life is Good. Share the Good.