October 15th was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I was taking a bit of a social media break, plus we had sick kids here, so I was needed for my most important task of comforting my kids.
If you are new to my blog, I have had a lot of miscarriages, TEN to be exact. I somehow managed to still have SIX successful pregnancies. But having six kids, which is A LOT to many of you, doesn’t mean I don’t mourn those that I lost. The grief that a mother feels for her tiny little one is real. I mourned each loss of life just as if I would have mourned one of my living children. I am sure that I would mourn the loss of one of my living children more deeply, but nonetheless we mourn. It is hard to explain if you have never experienced going to a doctor’s office and hearing the words, “we couldn’t find a heart beat. I’m sorry.” Then you just lay there in shock. You’re beautiful baby would never be held by you. It is heart-breaking. It is heart-wrenching. Then you have to walk through the waiting room with red-puffy eyes and look at all those women with nice beautifully round bellies, and try and not burst out bawling. It is just plain hard.
One thing that I have found that helps me to get my thoughts out, and is part of a mourning process for me, is to write poems. I have no back ground in the proper way to write a poem. But to me it is healing to write down my thoughts. I wish I could do it more often. I would like to share a poem today that has come to me over this past week. It is a tender expression of what I have gone through in the loss of all my little babies.
This is the only picture I was ever given of my lost babies. And I treasure it.
If you have gone through miscarriage, I hope that maybe this poem might give you a bit of comfort. I love you. I pray for you. I pray that strength will come. That peace and hope will fill your heart.
The Sun Rises
By Emma Drennan
You didn’t make it.
I will never hold you.
I will never rock you.
I will never sing you to sleep.
How could you leave so soon?
I close my eyes.
Then too soon,
Then sun rises.
A new day.
I am so very alone.
Mommy I am here.
I will always be a part of you.
You see, I am in your heart now.
I am in the sunshine.
I am in the rain.
I am in the flowers.
You carry me Tenderly, Quietly,
In a different way.
Someday you will hold me
Safe in your arms.
I receive Light, Strength, Truth.
Daughter I am here.
I know your sorrow.
I will keep your little one safe.
One day we will all be together again.
When the sun rises.
I hope that if you know someone who has gone or is going through this difficult time that you will reach out to them. Let them know that you are praying for them. And if you are going through this awful experience, don’t do what I did for the first several miscarriages. Don’t keep it to yourself. Let people know. You will need their strength at times when the sorrow is just so heavy. Even if you tell people you don’t want to talk about it, just want them to know so they can pray for you. One particular day, a dear neighbor brought me a plate of brownies, a couple months after one of my miscarriages. It was one that my mental struggle of loss was very difficult to get over. I know that she was following the inspiration from God. I still was mourning and that particular day needed my friend to just let me know she was thinking of me. She didn’t ask me to talk about how I was feeling, just simply brought me a treat and said she was thinking of me. I’ll never forget that.
For me, it was always difficult to talk about especially the first couple of months after. Your emotions are just so close to the surface. I would suddenly start crying while driving in the car, walking by the baby isle at Wal-mart, whenever I saw someone expecting, when a burst of cramping would happen-the constant reminder that you are losing what was to be your little one.
But the sun rises each day- we must keep going. We must push forward. I know that I have received much in the way of learning to love by losing my little ones. I have gained a greater heart. And for that I will choose to be grateful for the lesson learned. I always think of Beauty and the Beast when Mrs. Potts says, “He’s finally learned to love.” I hope that I am better at learning to love people more deeply. To look at those around me and ask, what sorrow might they be carrying that is so heavy, yet I cannot see? How can I show love more freely to those around me?
I pray that today even if it’s for only a moment, that you will smile and know that you are loved. You are known to that great God above. He cares so incredibly deeply about you. Let the comfort He can bring fill your cup just a little bit, day by day, drop by drop. Until your cup runneth over with joy. It comes. I am a witness of that.
Life is Good. Share the Good.